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IN THIS ISSUE: IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
WISDOM: "Analyses of others are actually expressions of our own needs and values." Marshall Rosenberg, PhD.
COACHES CHALLENGE: What is your response when someone judges or criticizes you. Are you taking it personally?
SOUL TRAVEL: ICE, PENGUINS AND WHALE BREATH
IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
How do you react when someone judges you, makes you wrong or criticizes you? Are you hurt? Angry? Do you retreat inside yourself? Go on the defensive? If the judgment comes from a friend or member of your family, it is most likely even harder to handle. Criticisms and judgments can make us miserable for days - if we let them. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg calls this (and any other form of judgment, labeling, comparison, criticism, put-down, or diagnoses) "life-alienating communication". The opportunity for connection with the other person is potentially disrupted, maybe even vanquished. "All judgments of any kind trap us in a world of moralistic rightness and wrongness," Dr. Rosenberg explains.
So how can you stop the bleeding from negative judgments? One of the most life-serving lessons I have learned (and wish I had learned earlier) is to incorporate into the very center of my being the knowledge that such attacks are NOT ABOUT ME. More likely than not, that person is really expressing some degree of pain around a need of theirs that is not being met. Once you really "get" this, you become insulated from such attacks. But that is only the first step.
The next step is to make a sincere effort to connect with that person's pain in a way that allows them to get in touch with what they are feeling and what the need is behind the feeling. The magic is the connection that occurs with the other person when they sense they are being heard and cared about.
I had the NOT ABOUT ME part down but not the second part until I spent ten days in a workshop with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Even at that, I can only claim partial success with the second part, for it requires quite a shift in languaging to execute, a few deep breaths and lots of practice. Even more challenging, it requires being totally present with the person who just lobbed the "attack" at you. If you've accomplished the first part by not reacting, your choice at this point may be to smile benignly and walk away. If you do this, however, you probably missed an opportunity to turn it all around.
Staying present with the person and learning the language of empathetic understanding is a life-serving approach to communication and can lay the groundwork for a smooth and safe trail through the minefield of interpersonal communication. It can prevent the road from being strewn with bits and pieces of our hearts. When the opportunity is lost, our hearts may never get healed.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg will be in Phoenix October 15 and 16. If you live in the area, I encourage you to put this on your calendar. He will expand your world and your heart.
Marshall's book, "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion" is available from the Center for Non-Violent Communication. www.cnvc.org or call 1-800-255-7696 Marshall's schedule takes him all over the globe. If you don't live the Phoenix area, you might want to check the website to see if he is coming to a city close to you.
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SOUL TRAVEL: ICE, PENGUINS AND WHALE BREATH
PART II - ANTARCTICA
The ice is the most beautiful blue. The crevasses that are exposed in the glaciers and the icebergs that break away startle you with their rich cobalt color. Years of compression under layers of ice and snow causes a shift in the molecular structure of the ice, birthing a blue when light is refracted through the ice that is as breathtaking as the blue of the Caribbean sea. It is one of nature's most magnificent achievements. Add fluffy white clouds and water so clear you can see the entire outline of a whale lurking below the surface and you have a pristine paradise; a place man has so far barely impacted --if you forget the slaughtering of the area's whales which was stopped in 1965.*
Here also are the largest penguin colonies in the world. At Salisbury Plains, South Georgia, there is a colony of approximately 250,000 King Penguins. Dressed in their tuxedos with orange and yellow markings on their head, these large penguins are particularly handsome. The majestic adults and thousands of youngsters in their downy brown coats filled the valley from beach to hillside. They basically ignored our presence as we milled around and through them as though merging with the colony itself, ever respectful of penguin paths and behavior. Rubber boots eliminated the problem of having to watch where we stepped. The penguins manage to stay surprisingly clean as they make many trips to and from the ocean to feed. A clothespin for one's nose might have initially been welcomed, but the olfactory senses adapted to the earthy odor quickly. Besides, this was just too much fun to allow a mere odor to detract from the pleasure of being with the penguins. It was hard to say goodbye but the zodiacs were leaving.
We had many other opportunities to spend time with several other penguin colonies - Gentoo, Chinstrap, Macaroni, Adelie, and Rockhopper -- each with their own unique attire and charming behavior, but the King Penguins were my favorite. Penguins, as profuse as they were, represented only a portion of all of the wildlife we saw. There were at least 100 different kinds of land and sea birds, including the infamous skua, who dive-bombed us occasionally and one time managed to target an unsuspecting head and draw blood. Our tripods became weapons "de guerre" as we held them above our heads to discourage the skuas or to defend ourselves against an aggressive seal. Then there were the whales…fin whales, killer whales, minke whales and the graceful humpback. It was the humpback whales that provided us with one of the most joyful encounters of all.
As soon as the cry, "whales on the starboard side" went up, all sixty of us rushed on deck. Five humpback whales were swimming right alongside the ship. As they
frolicked about, swimming underneath the ship from one side to the other, we would run from one railing to the other, whooping and hollering with joy. Whenever they spouted, we groaned in unison as whale breath blasted us. It is the foulest of odors. To call it "pungent" would be like calling the smell of rotting fish perfume. Believe me when I tell you there is no equal. But that was hardly a drawback to the show. Breaches and rolls and finning and tail flaps, these large behemoths cavorted with the ship for almost 45 minutes, seemingly basking in the attention we gave them. Never, said the inveterate whale watchers, had they ever seen such a performance. It was a rare and intimate experience I will treasure forever.
For me, there is no greater joy than to interact (responsibly) with wild animals. It is the ecstasy of feeling utter AT-ONE-MENT with life! I hope to have and share many more of such experiences.
*1.5 million whales were taken from Antarctic waters between 1904 and 1965.
THOUGHT FOR THE MONTH: "If you want peace of mind, do not find fault in others."
Sri Sarada Devi
CHECK OUT www.WalkingConnection.com
Wonderful, top-drawer walking trips all over the world. All levels of hikers and walkers are accommodated. Gene and Jo Ann Taylor are congenial, enthusiastic hosts and will make all comers feel welcomed. Located in Phoenix, Arizona, Walking Connection also sponsors many local walks and hikes. They make it easy to join a lovely group of people and bask in our great outdoors.
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WINGS Vol. II, No. 5, May, 2003
